Desperate Housewives

Season 4 starts tonight!  And I’m going to be typing as I watch, in order to capture all of my impressions from start to finish.  So it’s sort of like a live-blog but not.

Previously on “Desperate Housewives”:  A lot of stuff happened.  Most importantly?  Bree is pretending to be pregnant to cover for Danielle who is away at boarding school.  Gaby married creepy Victor but had a steamy affair with Carlos at the reception.  Susan and Mike FINALLY got married in a simple ceremony attended by very few people.  Lynette was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma and her mom came to visit.  And Edie made to hang herself at the very end of the show. Whew, you catch all that?

So we pick back up with Edie trying to kill herself.  Apparently she didn’t really want to die, but she wanted Carlos to feel bad.  Or stay with her.  Or whatever.  So she was pretty much just faking it.  She made it LOOK like she was killing herself. Of course, it sort of backfired when Carlos was waylaid by Mrs. McCluskey on his way upstairs to “discover” her.  Of course, Carlos does eventually get to her, and just in time.  And there’s some ominous noises about if he’d known what she’d do to his life, he’d have let her hang.  Hmm!

(Credits rolling and I see “Eva Longoria Parker”… gag.)  So here comes the ambulance which of course gets everyone all riled up and Susan, Bree and Lynette come charging into the hospital.  Meanwhile, Gaby is not enjoying her wedding night.  She’s sort of planning to run off with Carlos.  But of course, now Carlos is kinda busy with the whole Edie situation and he forgot to tell Gaby that he’ll “be late” or you know, not coming at all.  So he finally calls her and she wants to leave anyhow.  Of course, Carlos feels obligated to stay with Edie until she’s better or something.  Gaby of course gets all bent out of shape about this and is sort of stuck with the whole Victor thing now.  Ha!

And now we’re one month later.  Yep, a whole month!  Susan and Mike are celebrating their one month anniversary.  Can I gag again or is it too soon?  And in true Susan form, she’s not convinced that Mike is happy with their life together.  Even when he says he is happy, she doesn’t believe him.  I can promise her this, if she keeps it up, he won’t be happy.  Meanwhile, a moving van pulls up!  Bree is adjusting her belly and Andrew is very skeptical of the farce.  He’s sure that people will find out but Bree insists that they won’t.  She just won’t have people knowing that her daughter got knocked up out of wedlock.  It’s not proper.  Over at the Scavo house, Lynette is without hair.  Seriously.  NO HAIR.  And she can’t find her wig.  She’s frantic to find it because no one knows.  Her kids, her friends, etc and so forth.  Victor, meanwhile, is selling Gaby’s old house.  She takes exception to this, not wanting to sell it quite yet.  Victor doesn’t understand her ties.  So everyone by this point has noticed the moving van and has congregated to discuss and speculate.

Ooh, the new people pull up and… it’s another redhead!  God save us all.  Susan knows her and calls her Catherine and rushes over to hug her.  It’s been 12 years since Catherine lived on Wisteria Lane.   Her husband arrives (the fabulous Nathan Fillion), and her teenage daughter presents herself.  Dillon, I think her name is.  Straight off, there’s sparks between Catherine and Bree, as well there should be seeing as how they’re two peas in a pod.  Catherine announces she’s having a barbecue on Saturday and is invited all the neighbors.  And she actually refers to Bree, Gaby and Lynette as “newcomers”.  Ha!  Oh, she’s a peach alright.

So Bree and Orson are shopping for shoes (at Macy’s of course!) and run across an old lady who wants to touch her belly and “jiggle” it to get the baby kicking.  Bree practically comes to blows with the lady trying to get her to not touch the belly.  To be honest, people need to just NOT touch people’s bellies.  Susan is at the gyno’s office (for a checkup, she assures the nurse) and the doctor is Catherine’s husband.  Susan feels justifiably awkward about having her neighbor ogle her goodies.  It’s a pretty funny scene.  Lynette is at a school play and a friend corners her just as she’s adjusting her wig.  Ha!  She’s pressured to chair an event for the third grade.  If someone tried that with me, I would deck them.  Her mom gives her a hard time for not playing the cancer card to get out of it.  And Grandma wants to duck out after the lights go down.  Nice, huh?  Back to Susan, her tests are normal (eh? so soon?  mine take weeks to get back), for the most part.  He starts quizzing her about going into menopause and Susan kind of freaks out about that.  She wants the blood test to rule it out.  I can just about see where this is going. Meanwhile, Lynette is fading fast.  She’s sweating and looking real awful but doesn’t want to leave.  She says she’s going to be sick and then she is, right in some lady’s purse.  HA!  Turns out, it was the gal who pressured her earlier so all’s fair, right?  Who knew cancer could be funny?  (groan)

So we’re at Catherine’s extravagant “barbecue” (I swear it’s catered) and she runs afoul of Mrs. McCluskey.  She accuses her of skipping town without even saying goodbye.  Hmm!  Susan is still sensitive about the whole menopause thing.  So apparently she hasn’t gotten the results of that test yet even though her other tests came back lightning quick.  Julie greets Dillon and the latter is less than enthused.  Dillon is sort of a bitch.  Well, now that Danielle isn’t here, someone has to be.  Susan finally spills the menopause beans to Mike and he tries to comfort her about it not being a big deal.  She’s worried about him wanting kids.  He assures her he’s fine if kids aren’t part of the plan.  She’s just too neurotic for words.  Can the woman just NOT be happy?  At the same time, Edie is home from her “clinic” and looking a little tender.  Everyone comes and greets her with enthusiasm and she’s obviously clinging to Carlos for all she’s worth.  And she thinks the party is for her (in true Edie form).  (And did I detect a hint of her true British accent there?)  Catherine introduces herself to Edie and Edie welcomes her to her party.  Ha!  Gaby meanwhile confronts Carlos about getting married to Edie, even though Carlos assures her they AREN’T.  Gaby is feeling neglected, Carlos assures her he’s still very much into her.  He wants to get away with her that night and they go for some quick necking.  Of course, he just wants an affair because he has to be back at midnight to give Edie her pills.  Gaby is, again, annoyed.  I’m sensing a trend.

Bree is on the phone with Danielle, arguing.  She unknowingly skewers her belly on a fork and a little old lady alerts Catherine’s gyno husband Adam to come check her out.  Orson and Bree brush them off insisting it was a “trick fork”.  Whew!  Meanwhile, the psycho mom comes back to pressure Lynette some more about helping out since she’s apparently not pulling her weight.   Lynette is feeling so tired, it’s amazing not everyone notices it.  Orson is upset about the situation, and wants to give up the charade.  He wants to feign miscarriage and have Danielle raise the baby, but Bree won’t have that because she knows that Danielle is a horrible person and selfish.  Turns out, Bree wants a second chance to raise a decent child.  Third time’s the charm?  Lynette finally tells psycho mom that she needs to back out and the lady gives her serious grief about it.  Lynette tries to be honest and says she’s not feeling well.  The lady still isn’t on it.  Finally, Lynette takes off her wig and says she has cancer.  The lady backs off instantly but not before her friends all see Lynette sans-hair.  They’re stunned.  Shocked.  Disappointed she didn’t tell them sooner.  She was afraid of their pity.  Apparently, she missed the love in there somewhere.  So she says, they need to make a pact.  No more secrets.  They all are in, despite EVERYONE having a secret (except Lynette now).  These women are something else.

Gaby brings Victor some wine, telling him she’s not happy and want to talk.  Says she feels she doesn’t come first with him.  He’s happy she’s finally opening up to him.  She wants to go away with him, get away from it all for a while.  The soonest he can get away?  April.  She doesn’t look enthused.  Carlos wants to go out for a while, and Edie wants to go with him, she’s HOVERING big time.  He meets Gaby back at their old house where they get hot and heavy.  Julie and Dillon are reminiscing, except that Dillon doesn’t remember ANYTHING.  She tells Julie about a creepy dream she had about a guy in her room that is trying to grab her.  But that’s it as far as early memories go.  Julie looks notably suspicious.  Meanwhile, Adam comes over to talk to Susan and tell her he’s sorry.  Her estrogen levels are fine, no menopause for her!  Apparently?  Susan is pregnant.  Mike walks in just in time to hear that much and both of them are flabbergasted.  Mike is thrilled and Susan looks visibly relieved.  And now she believes Mike when he says he’s happy.  I sure hope so.  Carlos is sleeping on the couch, where Edie finds him.  She mentions him not telling her about an offshore bank account of his.  Carlos looks worried, not the least about Edie going through his stuff.  He’s worried about her turning him in, in light of his past crimes.  So she’s sort of blackmailing him to stay with her.  Typical Edie.  Oh Carlos, what have you done?

We finish out with everyone thinking about their respective secrets (and sipping their coffee (or water in Susan’s case)).  Julie mentions her concerns about Dillon to Susan, she doesn’t think Catherine’s daughter is Dillon.  I don’t know if that literally or figuratively, but it wouldn’t be Wisteria Lane without a mystery.  We see Adam come up on Catherine in an empty room.  Some thing did happen to Dillon in this room.  And they don’t want her to know about it.  Dun dun DUN!

Yep, I’m gonna be here (Pacific time zone of course), sharing with you all my moment-by-moment impressions of the “Desperate Housewives” season finale tonight! If even half the rumors are true, it should be an amazing evening. So stay right here and stay tuned. And I’m going to try not to think of what I’m going to do (not mention what I’m going to write about!) all summer long without my “‘Wives”!

Without further ado:
9:00 - OOH, the promo for the ep looks GOOD. And hallelujah, the return of BREE!

9:01 - The wedding setup looks awesome. I mean, talk about dream wedding. And, of course, Gabby is your typical bridezilla. Bah. I almost hope Carlos and Victor both throw her off a bridge. Wee! Here comes Bree!

9:02 - HA! I knew it!! Pregnant!

9:06 - Ah, the old “Three Days Earlier” thing. Good times. Edie - manipulative but with pangs of guilt. Gabby - still amazingly selfish. Susan - fun to see her planning a wedding with Mike for a change.

9:08 - Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. *gulp* Lynette seems to be handling it pretty well, but we all know that what lies below is often more complicated. They’re strapped for cash? What about the booming biz the pizzeria was doing (until Chef Guy was fired?)?

9:10 - Wait, WOAH. This isn’t Orson’s child? You know, makes me wonder if it’s not her daughters baby. You know, like on “All My Children” when that creepy fertility doctor took Erika’s aborted baby and implanted it in his wife? *shrug* I just don’t see a) Bree cheating on Orson or b) him being that okay about it.

9:11 - OR (here’s a brain wave) maybe she’s pretending to be pregnant so people will think she’s going to have a baby and Danielle is hidden away somewhere and Bree and Orson plan to raise the child as their own. Maybe!

9:13 - Victor’s dad looks about five years older than him. Which is more a dig at Victor than it sounds.

9:16 - Kay, I am loving Mike and Susan together and happy. I mean, yeah they’ve got issues. But they’re adorable. Being with Mike actually makes me like Susan more. WOW.

9:18 - Wow, Lynette’s mom is a piece of work. I mean, WOW. Not remembering how many children her own daughter has? How old they are? Okay, I can see now why Lynette didn’t want to tell her mom. I would probably change my name and move under the cover of darkness to hide from that woman!

(for more liveblogging goodness, click the link below)
(more…)

I am FINALLY back in business (spent most of yesterday getting everything (and I mean everything) reinstalled) and so happy to have my laptop back it’s not even funny. Sunday’s episode title “What would we do without you” takes on special meaning for me this week. What would we do? Go more than a little crazy, it would appear. So let me say thank you for hanging out and being patient and let’s get on with the long-awaited recap.

I’m not going to recap like I normally do since I already have pointed you in the way of some very fine recaps earlier this week. Instead, I’m going to give you a list of some of my impressions. And I had a few (go figure!).

• Gabby just BUGS me, you know? It is stinky of her to just poach Susan’s wedding, even if Susan was cancelling it. It’s one thing if someone you don’t know does it, but she was her friend. So I could not blame Susan at all for being PO’d.
• Also, it’s too bad the idea of the double wedding got nixed. That could have been fun, I think.
• Yeah, Gabby is SO marrying a closet abuser. She better think twice before saying “I do” is all I can say
• I had a hard time feeling sympathy for Lynette for most of this episode. The other guy wasn’t even that cute, Tom is a little demanding and they’re at a rough patch but she doesn’t have to act like he killed her best friend either. I mean, for pity’s sake, they’re married.
• That said, BUMMER on the possible lymphoma. And I’m pretty sure it’s gonna pan out to be lymphoma (you heard it here first!) (heh) and that pretty much sucks for everyone involved. Still, will be interesting to see how the story evolves.
• Enjoying seeing more of Edie, even if she’s horribly manipulative. I think it’s awful what she’s doing to Carlos though. Poor guy just wants a kid to raise. I hope he finds out and busts her ass.
• Susan was tolerable during this episode. No one is more surprised than I am.
• Next week? SEASON FINALE! And BREE is BACK! Two very good reasons to liveblog, so meet me back here Sunday night (Pacific time, of course) and we’ll dish the goodies.

Thanks for sticking in here and being so patient with my technical difficulties. You’re all the best!

Wow, I find myself disgusted with so many of the “Housewives”, that I don’t know what to think anymore. Not that these ladies were ever pillars of morality and wise judgment, but come on. Generally, I’m able to count on Lynette to provide me safety from the storm, often the lone voice of reason among these women. But last night I was pretty annoyed with her. I get that they’re trying to show that she was feeling lonely, unappreciated, etc and so forth. But I had a hard time finding sympathy for her when she was so upset. During one of her late night meals with Hunky Chef, the restaurant was robbed by thugs and Lynette and Hunky Chef were forced into the freezer. My husband was annoyed that they didn’t use the emergency handle release which he spotted on several occasions in those scenes. Anyhow. The next day, Tom finds Lynette and all is well. Until he watches the security tapes and sees the cozy dinner in progress. Lynette tries to wave it off, but Tom is no idiot so he confronts Hunky Chef. He’s assured that nothing has happened yet and Tom urges Hunky Chef to quit. Or else. Hunky Chef spills the beans to Lynette who is a little too blase about the whole thing, mentioning how she enjoyed the attention. Hunky Chef seems like maybe he was interested in a little more. And then she gets mad, because he “ruined” everything. She wanted a flirtation, not an affair. DUH! But now she can’t have that anymore and has to fire him. She cries to herself in a hot bubble bath. Boo hoo. I’m sorry, but sheesh.

Gabby then makes me want to scream. She gets a parking ticket, rightly so, while out shopping with her annoying gay friend. The meter guy warned her as she approached the car that she should stick in a quarter but since Gabby was leaving, she didn’t bother and instead finished out her conversation with her friend. Then was SHOCKED when the meter guy wrote her a ticket. She so deserved that. Then, when Victor wins the mayoral election (and Gabby reacts with a pretty undignified launch into Victor’s arms), she realizes she’s the First Lady of Fairview and doesn’t have to take nothing from nobody. She actually seeks out the meter guy and parks in front of a meter. A scuffle ensues and Gabby is arrested. HA! Victor is pretty pissed at her, as he should be. He reminds her that now that he’s mayor, she needs to comport herself in a reasonable sort of manner and assaulting public servants is out. Then he spots the bruise on her wrist that meter guy gave her and gets all mad. Later? Some thugs go take out the meter guy by beating him up in a parking lot. So does this mean that Victor has mob ties? Or just that he’s a vindictive sort of asshole? Cuz I’m okay with either.

Meanwhile, Travers father is back in town and ready to take his son back home. But when Carlos seems less interested in hanging out with Edie now that Travers is leaving, Edie decides she wants joint custody. She manipulates Travers into asking his father to give Edie the joint custody (via the use of a cute puppy that NO WAY did she get at the pound). The father is pretty pissed since the arrangement always worked so well in the past and this throws a huge wrench into things. Travers and his dad live 400 miles away and shuffling back and forth is bound to cause a strain on the poor child. Edie’s reaction? He’ll get used to it. Nice, huh? Carlos sees what this is doing to Travers and correctly assesses the situation. He assures Edie that he’ll be there for her, Travers or no. Poor, poor Carlos. You should have run while you had the chance.

And then there’s Susan. Dear, poor, stupid Susan. I want to slug her, just once. She finds out that Mike has gone camping up at some hot springs and decides to track him down and profess her love to him. She’s assigned to a guide, a completely reasonable woman who has zero patience for Susan’s antics. After having to listen to Susan prattle on about her man troubles all day (and rescue the accident prone nutjob more than once), the guide snaps and tells Susan that she’s a drama queen. Her life is in turmoil because she makes it that way. Things looking happy? Susan stirs up the drama. And you know what? It’s so true. So true, in fact, that it makes Susan pretty miffed so she ditches her guide and takes off on her own. You know, essentially proving what the guide said is completely true. Dumbass. Of course she gets hopelessly lost and sprains her ankle. Lucky for her, Mike hears the guide and the ranger discussing the “ditzy klutz” and he goes and finds her. Happy ending? God, let’s hope. I don’t think I could take much more.

So that’s that. We inch closer to the finale. I’m looking very much forward to seeing Bree again, how about you?

Gosh, I feel like I’m getting spoiled with all these new episodes, how about you? Last night was a good one, one that saw the revealing of Mrs. McC’s big secret at long, long last. Parker convinced her to spill the beans since he was so tired of seeing her being victimized by the neighborhood. Because of course, even though the police let her go the tongues were wagging with speculation against her. Turns out? Her husband died of natural causes in the middle of the night and before she could call the coroner in the morning she discovered he’d never changed the beneficiary on his pension plan from his first wife (who he’d been married to a measly two years) to her (who he’d been married to for 30 years). Whoops! Knowing she couldn’t afford to lose it all, she put him in the freezer so that she could keep her house. The only thing left unanswered is what happens to her money now? Will she still get the checks? Cuz I think that’s a little unlikely. But whatever.

Gabby learns about Edie and Carlos at her own engagement party and has the audacity to be outraged by it. She snubs Edie and convinces Lynette and Susan to snub her too. Of course, Edie is furious and hires Lynette to cater her son’s birthday party and Susan to come sign children’s books. The girls think they’re in the clear since Gabby is going to a “thing” with Victor. But Gabby comes home early and suspects her friends. They try to hide from her in a “House of Reptiles” van, but a spitting tarantula makes them think otherwise. Gabby throw a huge shitfit and is on the verge of ruining poor Travers’ birthday party when Carlos hauls her off to have a heart to heart. He reveals that he is just having fun with Edie which makes Gabby happy because obviously she still has Carlos’ heart. Which makes my stomach churn because, HELLO!, it’s not like she’s engaged to someone else or anything. Ugh.

Lynette continues the flirting with Mr. Ex-Druggie and that’s also making my stomach churn (maybe it’s a bug?). He’s not THAT cute, his cooking can’t be THAT good. I feel sorry for Tom, I really do. Kayla spies the two of them together and alerts Tom to the situation. He tells Lynette that he wants to return to work and they can let the new guy go. Lynette hems and haws and basically confirms poor Tom’s suspicions. She should be ashamed of herself. (Listen to me, the morality police!)

And then there’s Susan. Poor, poor Susan. She’s still determined to ignore both men. That is, until she goes commando on some poor guy in a parking lot and gets sent to anger management therapy. Doesn’t take long for the therapist to uncover her problem; she’s got man trouble. Susan thinks this means that ultimately she loves Ian so she tells Mike her decision and runs into Ian’s waiting arms. Problem solved, right? Well, then Mike leaves a depressing goodbye message on her machine and Ian overhears her listening to it not once but twice. Knowing when his goose is cooked, he packs up and leaves. Just like that! He’s headed back to England. Uhm, okay. But! Now Mike has left as well! Whatever shall our bold heroine do? From the previews for next week’s show, looks like she climbs a mountain looking for him. Fun!

Oh my, where to begin? You all remember Mrs. McC’s husband-sicle from last week? He reappears this week when the power goes out on Wisteria Lane. Mrs. McC then falls down the stairs to her basement and gets shipped the hospital. The good news is, the power goes back on! The bad news: the deep freeze short circuits. Whoops. Parker Scavo finds the husband-sicle when he tries to raid her freezer for ice cream and seems pretty traumatized. Then, he asks to visit Mrs. McC at the hospital where he asks her about the man in her freezer. We aren’t privy to the conversation that follows, but whatever it is, it seems to make Parker feel much better. He’s promised not to tell anyone. But I guess Mrs. McC didn’t realize the freezer was kaput and when the inevitable stench gets a neighbor’s attention, the police come calling Mrs. McC. She thinks that Parker gave her up, but I imagine the police found her statement as an admission of guilt regarding some sort of “wrong-doing” involving her husband-sicle. Interesting. So it’s the slammer for Mrs. McC. Whatever will Wisteria Lane do without her meddling?

In other news, Gabby and Victor are still going hot and heavy. He professes his devotion to her and lets her know that he wants to marry her. She lets him know that she’s not interested in marriage. Later, they’re in an elevator when the power goes out and Gabby proposes some naughtiness. Little did she realize that there are cameras in the elevator. The blackmail photos show up and she reports it to the police, who then take the photos as evidence. Lo and behold, the pictures end up on the front page of the paper. Whoops! Gabby feels responsible and Victor seems sure that his “family values” campaign is at an end. But then, Gabby does the “good thing” at the news conference and reveals herself as the woman in the photos, that Victor was just trying to protect her honor and that the amorous moment was a result of him asking her to marry him. And that she accepts. Nicely done!

However, Carlos caught the news conference on TV and seems pretty saddened by it. Poor Carlos. He’d just gotten done telling Edie that he wasn’t interested in anything terribly serious. While denying that he was still in love with Gabby, he also declared that her current affair wasn’t at all serious. So, not so much? Obviously, he’s still hot for her. She just needs to be hot for him too, because the only way Gabby isn’t entirely insufferable is as Carlos’ mate. But it’ll be interesting to see how it all plays out.

Lynette has a crisis when the blackout puts the electric ovens out of commission on the business night of the week. But the newly hired world-class chef/ex-druggie has a plan. The stove is gas powered and he has some great pasta dishes he can whip up that Lynette can charge and arm and a leg for. And the plan works perfectly. A little TOO perfectly. The pasta dishes are an instant success and Tom is feeling mighty put out. To his credit, the pizzeria was his dream, and to read in the paper that it was a flop until these pasta dishes were introduced has got to hurt. You know what else is going to hurt? The affair that Lynette and ex-druggie seem to be headed for. The new guy seems to have his eyes SET on her in a big way and she seems to enjoy the attention.

Then there’s Susan. She’s still uncomfortable about her re-emerging feelings for Mike. Just in time, because now Ian wants to put bygones behind him and have Mike over for dinner. Susan thinks she has the situation under control when she invites a single friend to dinner to distract Mike. Doesn’t work, because Mike is only interested in Susan and he proceeds to regale this poor woman with stories from his various prison stays for the rest of the evening. At one point, Susan is asked to chose between two wedding cake styles, one is elegant and British, the other is down to earth and American. This show isn’t known for it’s subtlety, ya’ll. Then, when I’m ready to stab out my eyes, Mike reveals his feelings for Susan to Ian, letting him know that’s not going to let the infamous poker wager get in his way. Susan, who knew nothing of the wager, is enraged and vows to have nothing to do with either man. Which, you know, I don’t buy one bit because who wouldn’t want two men salivating over her? And this is SUSAN we’re talking about. So yeah, this whole “neither of you” thing will last probably about 10 minutes at the most. She may be a klutz but she’s not stupid.

So yeah, that’s where we’re at. Plenty enough to get me interested in what will happen next. Will Victor and Gabby get married? Will Carlos step in? Who will Susan choose? What did Mrs. McC do to her husband? Will Lynette cheat on Tom? Dun dun DUUUNNN!

So remember last week when Edie had bared all to Carlos and their “doing it” was imminent? Remember that? Well, they did do it and apparently, it wasn’t very good. After some sniping back and forth, they decide they need to try again because there’s no good reason why it wasn’t very good. This time, they both end up in Urgent Care from the injuries they sustained from bad sex. Har! So, they’re just going to be friends. Because obviously the “other” isn’t going to happen. Or is it? After sharing a Warm Moment over a photo of them with Travers where they look like a real family (aww), things get a little romantic. And then, apparently, it was good. So the answer is… romance? I guess? I don’t know.

Gaby does the deed with her mayorial candidate as well and while it was good, he doesn’t give her a call afterward. And this really chaps Gaby’s hide. So she does what any normal woman would do, she goes to one of his public debates with some random guy and sits in the front row. Then, the two proceed to put on a grope-fest. This unnerves dear Victor so much that he fumbles pretty much the rest of the debate. He then starts sending her giant displays of red and white roses and calling her and she ignores the heck out of him. Cuz, you know, she’s petty like that. Finally, she takes him back in when he ends up on her doorstep, begging for forgiveness. Oh, and he tells her he loves her which she totally buys and forgives him. Whatever, both of them are spoiled brats.

Lynette is busy, busy, busy with the pizzeria. Tom is home in a hospital bed, laid up. Mrs. McCluskey is charged with watching after him and the boys but he ends up insulting her so she refuses to help out any more. Way to go, Tom. So Lynette has to take the kids to work and that works out about as well as you’d imagine. A lego ends up in someone’s pizza. Yeah, that’s great, huh? So Lynette is interviewing people to help out while Tom is laid up and every candidate is totally awful until this one guy who was a sous chef at a famous restaurant. That is, until he decided he was doing way too much cocaine. Tom doesn’t want to hire him but he’s the best man for the job, so Lynette ends up taking him on anyhow. And word has it, this guy will turn up the charm with Lynette, so Tom better watch out. Also, proposing sexual activities that require your wife to do the bulk of the work after she’s had a long, hard day at work is probably not your best bet. Just something to think about. Sheesh.

Susan and Ian are doing well, that is, until she drives them off the road and into a lake. Whoops! Seriously though, knowing she’s as accident prone as she is, would Ian ever let her do the driving? I don’t think so. They’re both fine and holding onto the upside-down floating car (wtf? Wouldn’t it sink like a rock?) and Susan proposes they swim to shore. A perfectly sane suggestion, I think. Ian won’t have it, because he can’t swim. Whatever. Just so happens, Mike is driving by and sees the car in the lake and jumps out, takes off his shirt (of course) and dives in to help. He rescues them and even rescues Ian’s precious cheese (don’t ask). Ian is predictably weird about the whole thing. Susan gets annoyed and tells him that the next time he freaks out about Mike, it’s over between them. Well, then she drops off a thank you gift to Mike and for whatever reason, Mike kisses her and that gets her thinking. So now she’s torn between the two men. Again. Niiiice.

Oh, the best moment of the night goes to Mrs. McC, who it turns out is keeping her dead husband in her deep freeze. For reals!

First of all, I want to apologize for the lack of postage on Friday. I woke up to zero internet and no amount of fiddling with modems, routers, and network settings would fix it. I had to spend 24+ hours without access to internet, blogs, email, you name it. And it was pretty much torture. Thankfully, a new DSL modem has been acquired and I’m back in business.

Now, a couple of things about tonights FABULOUS new episode:

• Is anyone else getting tired of the “Gee, Susan is so cute but what a klutz” shtick? Cuz I am. Very tired. Find a new angle. It’s not THAT cute.
• Since when have Edie and Gaby been such good friends? Well, I guess not NOW, now that Edie is lusting after Carlos and all, but sheesh! I just don’t buy them shopping together or comparing purchases or giggling over how long its been since they “got some”. Whatever.
• I don’t dig Gaby’s new beau, Victor. I don’t know, maybe I’m just rigid and only want her with Carlos (duh!), but he just doesn’t seem like that great of a fit for her. I don’t understand why he likes her so much anyway because Gaby is a pretty immature and selfish person. Though he did win points for not letting her bully him into letting her borrow his ex-wifes clothes.
• Why does Lynette have to butt in all the time? Is there a single Housewife on the block who isn’t completely 100% selfish? It would just KILL her to let Tom be the boss for a change, right? Come on, I hate orange too, but let it go. It’s not that bad.
• Kinda love Victor’s ex demanding the dress back right away. Gaby so deserved that. I have to admit, I kinda hate her a lot of the time. Least favorite “Housewife” ever.
• When’s Bree coming back? I’m missing myself some Bree. I’m enjoying Edie’s enhanced screen-time, but it’s just not the same without Bree.
• And wow, I found I was drawn in by Edie’s striptease. Not that way, perverts! It was the first time we really saw her vulnerable. While the pairing with Carlos is no surprise to me, I’ll be interested to see how that story shapes up. I doubt Gaby will be too happy about it, either way.
• Oh, and I think “Travers” is a horrible name for a child. Poor kid.
• Am glad that Lynette finally let it go and wore the stupid orange shirt. Just disappointed that it took Tom rupturing a disk to make her to do it.

Believe it or not, I do enjoy the show. I don’t want it to seem like I’m bagging on it, but these are some things that kinda bugged me about the new episode. And if we can’t bitch about the shows we love, what can we do?

Last night we were treated to a change of pace. Instead of Mary Alice doing the episode’s voice over talents, we got to listen to Rex Van de Kamp instead. And while it was a cute shift, I did have to wonder a couple times if Rex would really care whether or not Austin cheated on Julie. Something tells me he wouldn’t have. But, whatever, it was nice to hear from him again. I always thought he got the raw shaft on that show.

We have Gaby, who stirred the interest of an older, rich and rather powerful man (he’s running for mayor). So much so that he had his driver run into her car. She was resistant to going out with him, however, but finally gave in to dinner. Even then she didn’t seem very impressed. I put forward that she wasn’t interested because he was so much older. I bet if he was a teenager, she would have thought twice. At any rate, the guy isn’t discouraged but is rather encouraged. And he wants to marry her. Good luck with that, buddy.

It’s Tom and Lynette’s anniversary and all she wants to do is taking a hot bath and go to bed early. But Tom, that romantic devil, has other plans. The intricate plan involves (among other things) a limo driver picking Lynette up and dropping her off in the middle of nowhere where Tom will step out of the shadows in a horse drawn carriage… yadda yadda yadda. Lynette catches wind of this plan and voices her displeasure. Tom’s feelings are inevitably hurt, causing Lynette to realize she’s being a little bit of a tool. So the limo driver shows up (guess he didn’t get the cancellation?), she goes along for the ride. Tom, meanwhile, holds a poker night at the pizzeria for the guys on the street. It was during this poker game that Tom discovered that the limo driver didn’t get canceled. He rushes out to rescue Lynette, who’s been sitting in the cold and dark by herself for two hours. But instead of being madder than mad, she’s apologetic. She never should have rained on his parade and they do need to embrace the romance in their marriage. And then? Tom got lucky.

He was the only one, however. Carlos had big plans with a new fling. He was pretty excited about it too. But then he spotted Edie’s 8 year old son (who is in town staying with her while his father is in Africa) playing in the street (at night) alone. He put on the breaks with his date to go see what the deal was. Edie left to go out, leaving Travers (what kind of name is that??) behind by himself. Carlos won’t have any of that (because he’s a decent sort of person, unlike Edie) so he brings the boy home. His date huffs off, but Carlos gets bonus points in my book. He gets even more points when Edie stumbles home drunk three hours later and he reads her the riot act and calls her a bad mother.

Austin, the cheating dog, wants to get back together with Julie. He gives her a long love-note, explaining his love that apparently gives her pause and makes her consider taking him back for another chance. However, at exactly the same time Danielle Van de Tramp finds out she’s pregnant (presumably by Austin) and tells him. What to do? Papa Orson takes over, and decrees that Danielle is going to join him and Bree on their honeymoon (fun!) and then “go away” to have the baby. And Austin? He’s gonna skip town. Austin is resistant to leaving Julie until Andrew reminds Austin that he is a cheating dog and sooner or later, he’ll break Julie’s heart again. So after a pretty perplexing goodbye, he hops on his motorcycle and speeds away from Wisteria Lane. Huh. I have a feeling that little storyline isn’t quite over yet, don’t you?

Mike finally gets his belongings that he had on him the night of the accident and finds the engagement ring, complete with romantic inscription. He takes it back to the jeweler to see about getting a refund where he bumps into (gasp!) Susan, who is getting the new (bigger, natch) ring Ian gave her resized. She assumes the ring was for someone else (Edie?). In a completely implausible turn, the jeweler doesn’t have her sizing rings so has Susan try on Mike’s ring as a comparison. And guess what? It fits perfectly. Of course! Ian then let’s Mike know that he knew about the ring (or whatever, this is where I started getting confused) and they have a pissing match of sorts. This continues at Tom’s poker game, where the boys ultimately bet Susan herself. Well, not so much. They bet whether or not Mike can tell Susan the ring was for her. And Ian wins. Oh, and Ian wants to get married like NEXT MONTH. So not only is he vaguely creepy (I’ve always thought so, haven’t you?), but he’s also insecure too. Very sexy.

Next week? Another repeat. Sorry, guys!

Desperate Housewives, episode recap, My Husband the Pig, Episode 316

At long, long last! I’m back at home and was finally able to see this week’s truly awesome episode. Gosh, where to begin? Ian and Susan go to the hospital to pick up the last of Jane’s personal things. But, oops!, the nurses mixed up the goods and Ian is given Mike’s things instead. The nurses fix the problem, but not before Ian spots an engagement ring in the mix and pockets it. Sneaky! Ian is further distressed when he learns that Mike now remembers everything. He also looks a little peeved when he sees Mike and Susan chatting at the opening of the Scavo Pizzeria. So what does he do? He proposes! I loved how Julie had to prompt Susan to drop her pizza when Ian got down on bended knee. Of course, Susan says yes. And you know what? i almost cared.

Meanwhile, Gabby thinks she slept with Zack in a drunken fog. Simply because they woke up in bed together, minimally dressed. And she feels predictably ucky about the whole thing. So she asks Carlos to act jealous and scare him off. When Carlos approaches Zack at the urinals in the bathroom of the Scavo Pizzeria (??), he happens to catch a glimpse of Zack’s.. ahem, manhood. And apparently it is abundant. Abundant enough that Carlos knows that Gabby wouldn’t be able to forget it. So he relays this information to her. When an infuriated Gabby confronts Zack, he admits to staging it. Then? He asks her to marry him (following Ian’s romantic suit, no less) to which she calls him an idiot. Guess that’s a no.

But all that isn’t what you want to hear, is it? Nope, it’s time to find out what happened to Orson, right? I mean, he was FALLING off a ROOF. Well? He’s not dead! Nope, he sorta hit a tree first, which slowed his fall some and so all he really suffered were some mean facial scratches. He has a flashback to the night Monique died and guess what? His mother did it! Of course, that’s no big surprise as she’s pretty much just the evilest mommy to ever come around. Need proof of that? Just read on. So he covered up not only for his mother but for himself. His mother is the one who yanked Monique’s teeth, to Orson’s disgust. What prevented him from calling the cops? Apparently, Gloria blamed Orson for his father committing suicide years earlier? I’m not 100% sure on that. In essence, he owed her. Bree is released to her family, to recuperate at home. Though who thought putting Danielle in charge of her mother was a good idea? She ditches out when Gloria comes over so she can go to the Pizzeria. But not before Gloria has Danielle give her mother some tranquilizer-laced soup. Right about this time, Alma finally frees herself from the attic prison that Gloria locked her in (remember that?) and is on the roof. She calls for Danielle’s attention as she’s leaving, but the teen doesn’t hear her. And? Alma falls off the roof. Yes. I’m sensing a theme, aren’t you? Well, when Andrew learns that Danielle left their mother with Gloria, he rushes home. Just in time too, since Gloria had just deposited the drugged Bree into a warm bathtub, intent on staging her suicide. Unfortunately, Gloria just clobbers Andrew in the face with her cane so he’s not much help. BUT! Orson does make it home from the hospital and finds his mother and Bree just in time. Apparently, this isn’t the first suicide scene Orson stumbled upon and he correctly deduces that his mother staged his father’s own suicide. And then blamed it on Orson. Best I can figure out, his father had cheated on her (gee, wonder why) and we all know how Gloria feels about such things. Anyhow, the struggle with Orson is too much for Gloria, and she starts to suffer a stroke.

Not in my house, he thinks. So he carries her over to Alma’s house, expecting she’s going to die. That’s when he notices the dead Alma laying in the bushes. So he lays Gloria next to Alma, making it look as though Alma jumped (suicide! again!) and Gloria found her and the shock gave her a stroke. Alma’s fake suicide note from a few eps back backs up the story, and Monique’s bag o’ teeth gets Mike permanently off the hook. Gloria survived the stroke, but is now paralyzed and without speech so she won’t be blabbing anything anytime soon. Orson feels the weight of the world is finally off his shoulders and he skips off home to take Bree on that honeymoon he’s been promising her.

Wow, that was quick, huh? You could pretty much tell they hurried that storyline up, that it was meant to continue a lot further into the season. So I think a lot of details were glossed over and the ending felt very rushed. Cool, but rushed. And the really bad news? Two weeks until the next new episode. *sigh*

Normally, today I would be giving you a rundown of what happened on last night’s “Desperate Housewives.” However, I’m out of town for the long weekend and probably will be out until tomorrow afternoon sometime. This means I’m unable to see last night’s episode that is right now waiting patiently for me on my DVR back home. And while my fingers itch to find out if Orson died falling off that parking structure or not, I’m going to resist. So, if you’d like to see a quick recap of last night’s show, visit the recaplet over at Television Without Pity. That should give you a good idea of what went on. I will resist visiting that link as best I can.

If you are like me, out of town or just haven’t had a chance to watch your DVR’d episode of “Desperate Housewives” yet, then you can read Television Without Pity’s completely awesome full recap of last week’s episode to remind you of what happened and where we left off. Hopefully, I’ll be back with a post tomorrow (though probably not a recap) but if not, I’ll see you Wednesday!

Yay for a new “Desperate Housewives” episode! It was a juicy one too! (honestly, when aren’t these episodes juicy??) The Scavo’s are gearing up for the opening of the pizzeria. Edie comes over to ask Tom to hire her now despised nephew Austin. Tom agrees to it because Edie has an awesome butt. Well, not really, but yeah, really. However, Lynette discovers Austin smoking pot at work one day and fires him on the spot. Imagine Lynette’s surprise when she sees Austin hanging out at an employee meeting. She calls Tom out on it… right in front of all the employees. He explains he’s giving Austin another chance and she blasts his decision. They then go into private to discuss the matter and Tom lets her know that while he expects to have to check his balls at the door at home, this is HIS pizzeria and he wants to be the boss here. He also explains his reasons for hiring Austin back, which are actually pretty good reasons. Lynette promises to kowtow to her husband and even lets him blast her in front of the employees to make up for her shameful lack of disrespect from before. Which, was kinda funny.

Gabby is shopping at Macy’s with Zack on her thirty-first birthday (don’t you all go to Macy’s on your birthdays??), where she runs into a very hunky lawyer who, of course, works for Zack. They go out on a date but Zack wants to make sure that the date doesn’t go to well. He spies through the windows of Gabby’s house and when he sees things starting to get a little too hot and heavy for his liking, he gives his employee a call. And tells him what to tell Gabby. What’d he say? That Gabby was a little too old for him. Ouch! It works and she kicks him out tout suite. And Zack is still super, super creepy. So not so much with the whole “just friends” thing.

Susan gets ready to go to Jane’s funeral. She feels a little weird about it (rightly so) and doesn’t want to draw much attention. At the same time, she wants to be there for Ian. Her plan to stay under the radar goes well until she sees a former friend of Jane’s hitting shamelessly on Ian and then dishing about Ian with another woman later on. She quite literally cannot help herself and outs herself as Ian’s new flame. Of course, this classy woman then takes the opportunity to announce the news of Susan and Ian’s relationship to the rest of the funeral go-ers. Susan, in return, goes and hides in the basement with the stiffs. Ian comes to comfort her, and propose. No answer is given because it is a funeral and there are dead people around, so the conversation is delayed. I have a feeling it’s going to be a yes though.

I’m pretty sure this is the episode that was filmed at Marcia’s house while she was on bedrest since you never really saw her OUT of bed. Bree confronts Orson about the rape and he finally decides to tell Bree the whole story about Monique. Unfortunately, we the audience are left out of the conversation. Bree is outraged that Orson let Mike take the fall for Monique’s murder and makes him promise to go to the authorities about it. The next day, he visits Alma and Gloria and confronts them about the rape. He promises Alma that he will not leave Bree for her, even if Alma does turn up pregnant, and that he’s promised to go to the police. Alma starts having doubts and wants to go to the police herself. That is, until Gloria locks her in the attic. She’s becoming more and more of a “Mommy Dearest” every day, isn’t she?

Meanwhile, Mike is seeing a hypnotherapist to help him get his memory back. Little by little, he’s getting it. He now remembers virtually everything except for Monique. At one session, however, he finally recalls how he met Monique. He was called out to her house for a plumbing emergency. She comes on a little thick, but he brushes her off, assuring her he’s already seeing someone. She doesn’t seem that should matter. So, she’s a little bit of a tramp. Mike needs to leave for a part for her sink and when he returns, Monique is nowhere to be found. What Mike does find, however, is a set of hands wearing yellow gloves. Who is it? He doesn’t quite recall yet. But at least now he’s sure that he didn’t kill Monique. At the next session, however, he finally remembers that it was Orson who wore the gloves. Now he’s just plain mad and hunts Orson down at the hospital. Why is Orson at the hospital? Well Bree had seen the bag of teeth outside one of the windows of her house (??) and used a rigged ladder to retrieve them. The ladder broke and Bree took a nasty fall. Mike finds Orson in the parking garage, feeling pretty sorry for himself, and fisticuffs ensue. This all results in Orson accidentally (YES, accidentally) falling off of the multistory parking structure. And? To be continued. Next week!

How great was last night’s episode?? Let’s start with Susan because she’s just messed up beyond belief. So remember she convinced Ian to hire a laywer for Mike? Well, he hired the newbie-est newbie lawyer he could find, looks like. I’m sure that wasn’t at ALL on purpose. And this lawyer suggests that Mike pleads guilty because, hey, only ten years in jail instead of a lifetime. That’s gotta be better, right? Yeah, Susan isn’t convinced either and Ian is obviously jealous which just rankles her even more.

So she hears that newly billionaire-d Zack is pursuing Gabby and asks Gabby to go on a date with him and get him to hire a lawyer for Mike. Which I thought was a pretty turdy thing to do. Gabby did too, but she went along with it. Oh, and in related news: Mike didn’t know that Zack was his son until Paul told him so in jail. And this was after Mike confronted Paul about hiring those thugs to jump him last week. Paul admits that he was hoping to do something for Mike for which Mike might feel obligated to return the favor. Sounds as if Paul is hoping to get on better footing with Zack via Mike. Which, is strange. But, okay. So Gabby spends the day with Zack, on mostly his terms including a good-night kiss (wherein it’s revealed that Zack has indulged in some paid hookups previously and those hookups lied through their silicone implants about his kissing prowess). Zack, in return, pays Mike’s $1 million bail and gets him a good lawyer. He visits his father and they have a somewhat awkward but mostly realistic conversation and Mike asks Zack to visit Paul in prison. He grudgingly does (which says something for his respect for Mike, which makes me wonder if Susan would have had to ask Gabby to pimp herself in the first place), and he fully expects Paul to ask him to pay to get him out of there too. Which, let’s be honest, he sorta does. In a roundabout sort of fashion. Paul wants Zack to pursue Felicia who is still out there somewhere sans some fingers and prove that Paul didn’t kill her so he can get out. Zack pretty much just says, Nah. After all, he’s got this hot new girlfriend who has expensive taste. I bet Gabby would take exception to that. The girlfriend part, not the expensive taste part.

Oh, but I need to get back to Susan because I forgot some very essential stuff. My bad. Ian’s going out of town on a business trip, but the hospital informs him that Jane isn’t doing so hot. So instead of canceling his trip, he asks Susan to go visit her. Am I the only one who thinks that’s just completely wrong? Yes? Just me? Anyhow, while there, Susan runs into Jane’s best friend. And guess what? This guy was trying to visit Jane and it turns out he was Jane’s boyfriend. As in, Jane was having an affair with him. Susan starts to understand Ian’s jealousy thing. Susan then tells Mike, “Hey, glad you’re out of jail but I can’t ever talk to you again.” Then she literally walks across the street and shares a steamy kiss with Ian RIGHT IN FRONT OF MIKE. Pretty tasteless in my opinion, but then, this is Susan we’re talking about. Oh, and Jane dies. Hmm.

Whew. In other news, Lynette is going back to work, finally, after taking 8 weeks of sick leave for her gunshot wound. But Tom’s right-hand-man at the pizza place just quit and there’s this big street fair that day and Lynette just HAS to help him out, just this once. So she fakes how badly she’s still feeling to her boss (who stopped by to pick her up… how many bosses do that?) and promises she’ll be back at work on Monday. Things are going really well at the street fair and the pizzeria is doing fantastic. That is, until Lynette’s boss stops by at home and little brat Kayla spills the beans that Lynette’s at the fair. The boss comes by and busts Lynette and fires her, provoking her to grovel for her job right there. He basically gets her to promises to completely turn her back on her family in the future and be his work-slave. Which she does! Instead of throwing pizza in his face, which is what I would have done. But, it’s all well and good, because later on she talks with Tom and realizes she’d be happier working with him at the pizzeria anyhow.

And Bree, ooooohhhhh Bree. I just love Bree. She shows Orson the teeth and tells her she thinks Alma knocked off Monique. So Orson calls out Alma and Gloria and says, “Nice try.” Thinking this means that Alma no longer has anything to hold over his head, he tells her that its done and over and she can just go on her merry way now. And then Gloria calls Orson and tells him that Alma killed herself. He races to her house and it does indeed appear as if Alma slit her wrists. Gloria gives Orson a drink and it’s revealed that no, Alma isn’t dead. It was just a ploy to get him over there. His drink was drugged with some Viagra and some other fun stuff which basically knocks him out. Alma admits that she’s been injecting herself with fertility hormones (ah HA!) and she wants to have a baby with Orson. Because, if he has a baby with her he’ll obviously love her once again, right? Bree learns that Orson is over at Alma’s and goes racing over, only to find the two of them in bed. She is outraged, until she realizes that Orson is out cold and that Alma drugged him. She accuses Alma of raping her husband (which honestly shouldn’t be funny except that it is) and decks her but good. Then she calls her son to bring a wheelbarrow so she can get her husband back home. Best moment of the whole night, hands down. It was campy and trashy and everything that makes “Desperate Housewives” fun to watch.

Desperate Housewives, Come play wiz me, episode recap

This was a pretty fun episode, I thought. There were plenty of juicy nuggets to enjoy. As we learned last week, Julie and Austin have done the deed together and Julie (wisely) thinks she should be on the pill since the condom is only 85% effective (a statistic which surprises Edie, who thought she knew everything there is to know about condoms, apparently). However, if you’re under 18, you need a parents permission to get the pill. And obviously, Susan won’t be very open to the whole “having sex” thing. I have to wonder why she didn’t think about asking her dad since he seems a little more “cool” about that sort of thing. But for whatever reason, she and Austin approach Edie instead who easily agrees to pose as Julie’s mom. But of course, Susan finds out about the pills after all and gives Edie an earful after figuring out it was her who made the contraception possible. But then, Susan spots Austin getting hot and heavy with Danielle Van de Kamp. She lets Julie know that she knows about the pills. But that she’s not really going to get mad at her about that and gently lets her know what she saw. Julie takes her mom at her word and has a good cry on her shoulder. Poor Julie. I fear for Austin’s well-being.

On the prison front, Mike is jumped by a bunch of thugs in the weight-lifting yard. They start to whale on him pretty good, that is, until Paul shows up and schools them. Who knew Paul was such a kick-ass fighter? I sure didn’t. And that was awful nice for him to protect Mike (who, interestingly enough, has biceps that are twice the size of Paul’s, but whatever). Or maybe, it wasn’t nice at all because Mike learned from a talkative guard that Paul paid those thugs to attack him. Whoops!

Gabby is still getting gifts from her secret admirer. But the gifts are getting a little creepier. Especially when she finds a $6,000 dress INSIDE her house. Freaked out, Gabby asks Carlos to come sleep on the couch in case the nutjob breaks in while she’s sleeping. In the middle of the night, she catches a guy creeping across her yard. After Carlos dutifully tackles him, he admits that he’s not the admirer, but rather works for him. Gabby gets him on the phone and is invited to lunch the next day. Rather than shout a profanity or two and report him to the police as she should have, she accepts. And guess who it is? You’ll never guess. It’s Zack! Dana! The creepy kid! And he’s got HAIR now. Like, lots of hair. And lots of money, in case we had forgotten. His grandfather had left him that vast fortune which he has been putting to good use by sending Gabby enormously expensive trinkets. He points out to Gabby that he’s a few months older than John the Gardener. Which…ew! Gabby gives him a significant brush off right in the restaurant and I have a sinking feeling we haven’t heard the end of this. Zack is just creepy enough (he gets it from his non-biological dad) to get completely psycho about this. I wouldn’t send Carlos back to Mike’s house just yet, Gabby.

Over at the Scavo house, Tom doesn’t want to show Lynette the new pizzeria until it’s completely done. Because he knows she’ll find something to nitpick or criticize or somehow ruin for him. So what does Lynette do? She sneaks over there anyhow. And she learns that the pizzeria is lacking a liquor license. Apparently, the Scavo’s need a signed petition from the neighborhood first and there’s a lone holdout who doesn’t want drunk people wandering through his yard at night. Lynette’s on the case though. After he doesn’t budge when hearing about how Tom is out of work and this restaurant NEEDS to be successful for the good of the family, she flashes him her rack. And it works! Tom’s a little annoyed that Lynette butted in and solved the problem for him, but hey, now he’s got a liquor license! Whatever works, I suppose.

And, lastly, Bree learns about Alma buying the Applewhite’s old home. She tries to urge Alma to reconsider living in the neighborhood. When that doesn’t work, she has Orson go over and try to get her to pack up and leave. Alma wasn’t born yesterday, however. She wants Orson back and she told him that she’ll tell Bree what he did to Monique (?) and about how he ran over Mike (Gloria told her, though I wonder how Gloria knew?) if he doesn’t let her stay. So that’s that! Of course, Alma makes it seem to Bree then that Orson never asked her to leave. And when Bree is over visiting, Alma’s parrot dutifully chirps, “Don’t tell Bree” which makes Bree uber-suspicious. She then discovers a lose floorboard in the pantry underneath which is a photo of Orson and Monique together along with a pouch full of TEETH. Like, EW. So now she’s all worried about that. Which, frankly, I would be too. Because… EWW!

Desperate Housewives, episode recap, Not While I’m Around, ABC, sunday night

We’ve FINALLY got a new episode to talk about! And the title is really misleading because there are plenty of all three. Such as the fit Ian threw when he found out that Susan went to go see Mike in jail again, after he asked her not to. Whoops! Or how about the fight between Lynette and the suddenly amazingly bratty Kayla who seems to have a little more Nora in her than we previously expected. Then there’s the feud which has come to a head between Bree and Susan. Susan unapologetically insisted that Orson killed Alma because that might mean he was more likely to kill Monique since OF COURSE Mike would never do such a thing. So when Alma shows up on Bree’s doorstep very much NOT dead, Bree relishes the opportunity to rub her not-deadness in Susan’s face. Right about then is when the cops show up at the Hodge’s to question Orson about Monique. To her credit, Susan tipped them off before she knew about Alma. Unfortunately for Susan, Bree isn’t interested in semantics and the fur flies, ending with Bree vowing that Susan is so not her friend anymore. I can’t feel very bad for Susan because the girl oughta know better. She seems to find herself in these situations ALL THE TIME. Lucky for her, Ian forgives her for going to see Mike, after she blurts out that she loves him. I’m guessing that while that might be true, she loves Mike more. Sorry, Ian!

In other news, Danielle, who has nicknamed herself “Danielle Van de Tramp”, lives up to her nickname but good. After telling Julie that Austin might not stick around if she doesn’t put out, and then Julie DOES put out (my eyes!), guess who else puts out too? That can’t be good. Gabby goes nuts when an annonymous admirer has a big basket of roses delivered. She’s sure that Carlos sent them but he’s not fessing up. She even goes so far as to lock the florist up and go through her receipts to find out who it is. She doesn’t get an answer there and the episode finishes with Carlos telling her he did NOT send them and proceeds to describe what he would have sent if they had been from him. It’s a very sweet conversation and I really hope those two can get back together again. Lynette has the best moment of the night when she gets around snotty Kayla’s screeching in a public restaurant (and all the accusing stares of the nearby people because obviously it’s child-abuse…whatever) by having her sons strong-arm the girl out and into the car. And Alma’s excuse for where she’s been all this time? Winnepeg. Living with an old, nearly deaf aunt and no credit cards. She wanted people to think Orson killed her, to punish him for having an affair with Monique. Apparently, she feels bad about that now and that’s why she came back. Of course, I’m not buying that. After all, she injected herself with a mystery SOMETHING and when she purchased a home on Wisteria Lane from Edie, she had a creepy, all-knowing smile on her face. And we all know that means she’s hiding something.

Desperate Housewives, Desperate Housewives episode recap