Desperate Housewives

How great was last night’s episode?? Let’s start with Susan because she’s just messed up beyond belief. So remember she convinced Ian to hire a laywer for Mike? Well, he hired the newbie-est newbie lawyer he could find, looks like. I’m sure that wasn’t at ALL on purpose. And this lawyer suggests that Mike pleads guilty because, hey, only ten years in jail instead of a lifetime. That’s gotta be better, right? Yeah, Susan isn’t convinced either and Ian is obviously jealous which just rankles her even more.

So she hears that newly billionaire-d Zack is pursuing Gabby and asks Gabby to go on a date with him and get him to hire a lawyer for Mike. Which I thought was a pretty turdy thing to do. Gabby did too, but she went along with it. Oh, and in related news: Mike didn’t know that Zack was his son until Paul told him so in jail. And this was after Mike confronted Paul about hiring those thugs to jump him last week. Paul admits that he was hoping to do something for Mike for which Mike might feel obligated to return the favor. Sounds as if Paul is hoping to get on better footing with Zack via Mike. Which, is strange. But, okay. So Gabby spends the day with Zack, on mostly his terms including a good-night kiss (wherein it’s revealed that Zack has indulged in some paid hookups previously and those hookups lied through their silicone implants about his kissing prowess). Zack, in return, pays Mike’s $1 million bail and gets him a good lawyer. He visits his father and they have a somewhat awkward but mostly realistic conversation and Mike asks Zack to visit Paul in prison. He grudgingly does (which says something for his respect for Mike, which makes me wonder if Susan would have had to ask Gabby to pimp herself in the first place), and he fully expects Paul to ask him to pay to get him out of there too. Which, let’s be honest, he sorta does. In a roundabout sort of fashion. Paul wants Zack to pursue Felicia who is still out there somewhere sans some fingers and prove that Paul didn’t kill her so he can get out. Zack pretty much just says, Nah. After all, he’s got this hot new girlfriend who has expensive taste. I bet Gabby would take exception to that. The girlfriend part, not the expensive taste part.

Oh, but I need to get back to Susan because I forgot some very essential stuff. My bad. Ian’s going out of town on a business trip, but the hospital informs him that Jane isn’t doing so hot. So instead of canceling his trip, he asks Susan to go visit her. Am I the only one who thinks that’s just completely wrong? Yes? Just me? Anyhow, while there, Susan runs into Jane’s best friend. And guess what? This guy was trying to visit Jane and it turns out he was Jane’s boyfriend. As in, Jane was having an affair with him. Susan starts to understand Ian’s jealousy thing. Susan then tells Mike, “Hey, glad you’re out of jail but I can’t ever talk to you again.” Then she literally walks across the street and shares a steamy kiss with Ian RIGHT IN FRONT OF MIKE. Pretty tasteless in my opinion, but then, this is Susan we’re talking about. Oh, and Jane dies. Hmm.

Whew. In other news, Lynette is going back to work, finally, after taking 8 weeks of sick leave for her gunshot wound. But Tom’s right-hand-man at the pizza place just quit and there’s this big street fair that day and Lynette just HAS to help him out, just this once. So she fakes how badly she’s still feeling to her boss (who stopped by to pick her up… how many bosses do that?) and promises she’ll be back at work on Monday. Things are going really well at the street fair and the pizzeria is doing fantastic. That is, until Lynette’s boss stops by at home and little brat Kayla spills the beans that Lynette’s at the fair. The boss comes by and busts Lynette and fires her, provoking her to grovel for her job right there. He basically gets her to promises to completely turn her back on her family in the future and be his work-slave. Which she does! Instead of throwing pizza in his face, which is what I would have done. But, it’s all well and good, because later on she talks with Tom and realizes she’d be happier working with him at the pizzeria anyhow.

And Bree, ooooohhhhh Bree. I just love Bree. She shows Orson the teeth and tells her she thinks Alma knocked off Monique. So Orson calls out Alma and Gloria and says, “Nice try.” Thinking this means that Alma no longer has anything to hold over his head, he tells her that its done and over and she can just go on her merry way now. And then Gloria calls Orson and tells him that Alma killed herself. He races to her house and it does indeed appear as if Alma slit her wrists. Gloria gives Orson a drink and it’s revealed that no, Alma isn’t dead. It was just a ploy to get him over there. His drink was drugged with some Viagra and some other fun stuff which basically knocks him out. Alma admits that she’s been injecting herself with fertility hormones (ah HA!) and she wants to have a baby with Orson. Because, if he has a baby with her he’ll obviously love her once again, right? Bree learns that Orson is over at Alma’s and goes racing over, only to find the two of them in bed. She is outraged, until she realizes that Orson is out cold and that Alma drugged him. She accuses Alma of raping her husband (which honestly shouldn’t be funny except that it is) and decks her but good. Then she calls her son to bring a wheelbarrow so she can get her husband back home. Best moment of the whole night, hands down. It was campy and trashy and everything that makes “Desperate Housewives” fun to watch.

Desperate Housewives, Come play wiz me, episode recap