Desperate Housewives

Season 4 starts tonight!  And I’m going to be typing as I watch, in order to capture all of my impressions from start to finish.  So it’s sort of like a live-blog but not.

Previously on “Desperate Housewives”:  A lot of stuff happened.  Most importantly?  Bree is pretending to be pregnant to cover for Danielle who is away at boarding school.  Gaby married creepy Victor but had a steamy affair with Carlos at the reception.  Susan and Mike FINALLY got married in a simple ceremony attended by very few people.  Lynette was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma and her mom came to visit.  And Edie made to hang herself at the very end of the show. Whew, you catch all that?

So we pick back up with Edie trying to kill herself.  Apparently she didn’t really want to die, but she wanted Carlos to feel bad.  Or stay with her.  Or whatever.  So she was pretty much just faking it.  She made it LOOK like she was killing herself. Of course, it sort of backfired when Carlos was waylaid by Mrs. McCluskey on his way upstairs to “discover” her.  Of course, Carlos does eventually get to her, and just in time.  And there’s some ominous noises about if he’d known what she’d do to his life, he’d have let her hang.  Hmm!

(Credits rolling and I see “Eva Longoria Parker”… gag.)  So here comes the ambulance which of course gets everyone all riled up and Susan, Bree and Lynette come charging into the hospital.  Meanwhile, Gaby is not enjoying her wedding night.  She’s sort of planning to run off with Carlos.  But of course, now Carlos is kinda busy with the whole Edie situation and he forgot to tell Gaby that he’ll “be late” or you know, not coming at all.  So he finally calls her and she wants to leave anyhow.  Of course, Carlos feels obligated to stay with Edie until she’s better or something.  Gaby of course gets all bent out of shape about this and is sort of stuck with the whole Victor thing now.  Ha!

And now we’re one month later.  Yep, a whole month!  Susan and Mike are celebrating their one month anniversary.  Can I gag again or is it too soon?  And in true Susan form, she’s not convinced that Mike is happy with their life together.  Even when he says he is happy, she doesn’t believe him.  I can promise her this, if she keeps it up, he won’t be happy.  Meanwhile, a moving van pulls up!  Bree is adjusting her belly and Andrew is very skeptical of the farce.  He’s sure that people will find out but Bree insists that they won’t.  She just won’t have people knowing that her daughter got knocked up out of wedlock.  It’s not proper.  Over at the Scavo house, Lynette is without hair.  Seriously.  NO HAIR.  And she can’t find her wig.  She’s frantic to find it because no one knows.  Her kids, her friends, etc and so forth.  Victor, meanwhile, is selling Gaby’s old house.  She takes exception to this, not wanting to sell it quite yet.  Victor doesn’t understand her ties.  So everyone by this point has noticed the moving van and has congregated to discuss and speculate.

Ooh, the new people pull up and… it’s another redhead!  God save us all.  Susan knows her and calls her Catherine and rushes over to hug her.  It’s been 12 years since Catherine lived on Wisteria Lane.   Her husband arrives (the fabulous Nathan Fillion), and her teenage daughter presents herself.  Dillon, I think her name is.  Straight off, there’s sparks between Catherine and Bree, as well there should be seeing as how they’re two peas in a pod.  Catherine announces she’s having a barbecue on Saturday and is invited all the neighbors.  And she actually refers to Bree, Gaby and Lynette as “newcomers”.  Ha!  Oh, she’s a peach alright.

So Bree and Orson are shopping for shoes (at Macy’s of course!) and run across an old lady who wants to touch her belly and “jiggle” it to get the baby kicking.  Bree practically comes to blows with the lady trying to get her to not touch the belly.  To be honest, people need to just NOT touch people’s bellies.  Susan is at the gyno’s office (for a checkup, she assures the nurse) and the doctor is Catherine’s husband.  Susan feels justifiably awkward about having her neighbor ogle her goodies.  It’s a pretty funny scene.  Lynette is at a school play and a friend corners her just as she’s adjusting her wig.  Ha!  She’s pressured to chair an event for the third grade.  If someone tried that with me, I would deck them.  Her mom gives her a hard time for not playing the cancer card to get out of it.  And Grandma wants to duck out after the lights go down.  Nice, huh?  Back to Susan, her tests are normal (eh? so soon?  mine take weeks to get back), for the most part.  He starts quizzing her about going into menopause and Susan kind of freaks out about that.  She wants the blood test to rule it out.  I can just about see where this is going. Meanwhile, Lynette is fading fast.  She’s sweating and looking real awful but doesn’t want to leave.  She says she’s going to be sick and then she is, right in some lady’s purse.  HA!  Turns out, it was the gal who pressured her earlier so all’s fair, right?  Who knew cancer could be funny?  (groan)

So we’re at Catherine’s extravagant “barbecue” (I swear it’s catered) and she runs afoul of Mrs. McCluskey.  She accuses her of skipping town without even saying goodbye.  Hmm!  Susan is still sensitive about the whole menopause thing.  So apparently she hasn’t gotten the results of that test yet even though her other tests came back lightning quick.  Julie greets Dillon and the latter is less than enthused.  Dillon is sort of a bitch.  Well, now that Danielle isn’t here, someone has to be.  Susan finally spills the menopause beans to Mike and he tries to comfort her about it not being a big deal.  She’s worried about him wanting kids.  He assures her he’s fine if kids aren’t part of the plan.  She’s just too neurotic for words.  Can the woman just NOT be happy?  At the same time, Edie is home from her “clinic” and looking a little tender.  Everyone comes and greets her with enthusiasm and she’s obviously clinging to Carlos for all she’s worth.  And she thinks the party is for her (in true Edie form).  (And did I detect a hint of her true British accent there?)  Catherine introduces herself to Edie and Edie welcomes her to her party.  Ha!  Gaby meanwhile confronts Carlos about getting married to Edie, even though Carlos assures her they AREN’T.  Gaby is feeling neglected, Carlos assures her he’s still very much into her.  He wants to get away with her that night and they go for some quick necking.  Of course, he just wants an affair because he has to be back at midnight to give Edie her pills.  Gaby is, again, annoyed.  I’m sensing a trend.

Bree is on the phone with Danielle, arguing.  She unknowingly skewers her belly on a fork and a little old lady alerts Catherine’s gyno husband Adam to come check her out.  Orson and Bree brush them off insisting it was a “trick fork”.  Whew!  Meanwhile, the psycho mom comes back to pressure Lynette some more about helping out since she’s apparently not pulling her weight.   Lynette is feeling so tired, it’s amazing not everyone notices it.  Orson is upset about the situation, and wants to give up the charade.  He wants to feign miscarriage and have Danielle raise the baby, but Bree won’t have that because she knows that Danielle is a horrible person and selfish.  Turns out, Bree wants a second chance to raise a decent child.  Third time’s the charm?  Lynette finally tells psycho mom that she needs to back out and the lady gives her serious grief about it.  Lynette tries to be honest and says she’s not feeling well.  The lady still isn’t on it.  Finally, Lynette takes off her wig and says she has cancer.  The lady backs off instantly but not before her friends all see Lynette sans-hair.  They’re stunned.  Shocked.  Disappointed she didn’t tell them sooner.  She was afraid of their pity.  Apparently, she missed the love in there somewhere.  So she says, they need to make a pact.  No more secrets.  They all are in, despite EVERYONE having a secret (except Lynette now).  These women are something else.

Gaby brings Victor some wine, telling him she’s not happy and want to talk.  Says she feels she doesn’t come first with him.  He’s happy she’s finally opening up to him.  She wants to go away with him, get away from it all for a while.  The soonest he can get away?  April.  She doesn’t look enthused.  Carlos wants to go out for a while, and Edie wants to go with him, she’s HOVERING big time.  He meets Gaby back at their old house where they get hot and heavy.  Julie and Dillon are reminiscing, except that Dillon doesn’t remember ANYTHING.  She tells Julie about a creepy dream she had about a guy in her room that is trying to grab her.  But that’s it as far as early memories go.  Julie looks notably suspicious.  Meanwhile, Adam comes over to talk to Susan and tell her he’s sorry.  Her estrogen levels are fine, no menopause for her!  Apparently?  Susan is pregnant.  Mike walks in just in time to hear that much and both of them are flabbergasted.  Mike is thrilled and Susan looks visibly relieved.  And now she believes Mike when he says he’s happy.  I sure hope so.  Carlos is sleeping on the couch, where Edie finds him.  She mentions him not telling her about an offshore bank account of his.  Carlos looks worried, not the least about Edie going through his stuff.  He’s worried about her turning him in, in light of his past crimes.  So she’s sort of blackmailing him to stay with her.  Typical Edie.  Oh Carlos, what have you done?

We finish out with everyone thinking about their respective secrets (and sipping their coffee (or water in Susan’s case)).  Julie mentions her concerns about Dillon to Susan, she doesn’t think Catherine’s daughter is Dillon.  I don’t know if that literally or figuratively, but it wouldn’t be Wisteria Lane without a mystery.  We see Adam come up on Catherine in an empty room.  Some thing did happen to Dillon in this room.  And they don’t want her to know about it.  Dun dun DUN!