Desperate Housewives

Hello, again! Yesterday, I brought you some things you’ll never hear the housewives say. Well, today I want to talk about one of the men of the series: Rex Van De Kamp. Don’t get me wrong. I like Orson and he’s had some cute moments with Bree and the others, but nothing beats Rex. I think that’s because Bree and Orson are so much alike. To me, she and Rex were a better fit just because they were so different. They could bring out other sides of each other.

For those of you who tuned in late, Rex was Bree’s husband in the first season. They were on the verge of divorce and going through counseling when Rex started having some heart problems. He recovered from a heart attack and they continued to fight and deal with their kids, Rex not agreeing with some things Bree said they should do. Unfortunately for Rex, their pharmacist was obsessed with Bree and messed with his medications. Just as they were about to work things out for good, Rex has another heart attack. This time, he dies after getting a visit from his doctor who says he was poisoned. His final act in life was writing Bree an “I forgive you” note, as it appeared Bree was the one who did it.

During his time on the show, he had some great moments. Take his appearance in a season 2 flashback. The Van De Kamps are introducing themselves to the Youngs, who had just moved in. Bree is insisting on Mary Alice punishing Andrew in some way because they had caught him stealing a lawn gnome. Rex sees that Mary Alice isn’t quite sure what to think of Bree, so he pipes up with a “we’re not strange, we just seem like it” to break the tension. Another great moment came from season one. Bree, unaware that George the Pharmacist is poisoning Rex, goes out with him to get back at Rex for having had an affair. She introduces the men and Rex says “Please, you’re dating my wife. Call me Rex.” I think his top moment, though, came while they were having trouble with their son, Andrew. Bree and Andrew were arguing and Andrew actually lashed out physically at Bree. Rex happened to see it and walked in the room, grabbed Andrew and threw him against a wall as he said “If you ever touch your mother like that again, I will throw you right through this wall. You hear me?” I loved that moment because it showed that he loved Bree still and he was finally willing to get tough to stop Andrew’s out-of-control behavior.

Well, I guess that’s about all for now. I’ll leave you with one more favorite. This monologue comes from the season 3 episode “My Husband, the Pig”. Rex has taken over narration duties from Mary Alice for the day. I’d love to see this happen again (hint, hint writers!)

My name is Rex Van De Kamp. I always hated cemeteries when I was alive. Now that I’m dead, I like ‘em even less. Here’s where I used to live…a whole lot nicer, don’t you think? The place hasn’t changed much since I left…as tasteful and tidy as ever. Everything perfect…at least on the surface. My family was the same way. Look at us. You’d never guess how ticked off we all were the day this was taken, but that was the thing about us Van De Kamps. To really fit in, you had to have a smile that gave away nothing. Like my son Andrew…to look at him, you’d never know he spent six months on the streets supporting himself with panhandling and light prostitution. Or my daughter Danielle…does she look like the kind of girl who’d seduce her middle-aged history teacher? I mean, they’re my kids, and I love ‘em, but I’m pretty darn relieved to be dead. Here’s the clown Bree replaced me with…Orson. I don’t mind saying, he’s creeped me out right from the get-go. To me, he always has the shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried…and he should know. He buried them. But Bree thinks he’s Sir Galahad. The kids like him. And all my friends…now, his friends. So it pleases me to know that at least one of my old neighbors sees right through the guy.