Desperate Housewives

Previously on “Desperate Housewives”:  A lot of stuff happened.  SERIOUSLY.  I’m not going to go all into it again.  Cuz it’s just too much.

Now: There’s a “crime wave” on Wisteria Lane where barbecues are being turned over and clean laundry being trampled.  The horror.   Turns out, the culprit is Carlos, on the way home from a hot affair with Gaby.  She wants him to “boot the bitch”, but well, he doesn’t really relish being blackmailed.  Not that he’s telling her that.  They narrowly escape being caught by Edie, but Gaby quick talks her way out of it.  In Carlos’ mad dash to get home before Edie, the “crime wave” occurs. Heh.

The gals gossip about Dillon and her strange amnesia.  Catherine comes up, calls them out on gossiping, and suggests they do something (a lunch) for Lynette.  Then Bree and Catherine fought over who was bringing desert.  Apparently, Bree ALWAYS makes desert.  And Bree just wasn’t going to let it go.  It’s a battle for perfection.  This can only get uglier.  Meanwhile, Lynette is getting her chemo treatment.  Tom is being a little sappy about Lynette’s ordeal.  He wants her to feel good, so bad that he lets her win at cards.  So what does she do?  She kicks him out of her treatment.  She wants him to distract her, not depress her.  Poor Tom.  It’s Edie’s birthday and she bought herself a car.  A present from Carlos!  Except, Carlos says he can’t afford it.  She wants him to use his offshore account and he can’t do that because, you know, it being all illegal and secret and all.  She goes to return the car and has the idea for the perfect gift, right in his price range.  Uh oh.  Susan drops in on Catherine and we get “Flashback City”, where we see the day Catherine was leaving Wisteria Lane.  Susan and Mary Alice were befuddled at Catherine’s abrupt departure.  Back in present day, Susan tries to ask about the circumstances surrounding the departure but is summarily dismissed.  Mysterious? Or just plain rude?  Your call!

Mike is alarmed at how much Susan is eating.  He even says the “F” word (fat!) in front of her, which shows either how bold he is or how stupid he is.  Take your pick.  And Julie wants to go to a party at a friend’s house and Mike doesn’t think it’s a good idea.  This becomes something of a bone of contention between them and Julie says she can go since her mom already told her she could go.  Susan, realizing she has to side with someone, sides with Mike.  Julie is peeved and this only serves to make her madder at Mike.  Ahh, stepchildren.  Dillon meets Mrs. McCluskey and of course doesn’t remember her.   She makes a comment about Dillon’s dad and she’s surprised.  As far as she knew, her dad died or left when she was little.  But, apparently not?  The gals all gather for Lynette’s tribute dinner.  However, there is something wrong with Bree’s pie.  It’s not hers, she insists.  Yeah, it’s Catherine’s.  She snuck hers in.  Oooh, that’s dirty.  And meanwhile the attention is completely stolen from Lynette.  Nice one, ladies.  Lynette tells them about kicking Tom out for being sappy.  She needs a new chemo buddy.  All the girls step up to the plate and offer themselves.  Except Gaby that is.  And no one is surprised.  Are they?

Orson is appraised of Catherine’s pie incident.  Bree is furious, as you can expect.  Orson is possibly the only man alive who could understand and sympathize with Bree.  According to her, this is war.   Her identity is being stolen and Bree is having a crisis.  Lynette confronts Gaby about her lack of volunteering for chemo buddy.  Gaby admits that she doesn’t like hospitals and that’s why she didn’t step forward.  Lynette sees it almost as a test of their friendship and Gaby is unable to back down once that line is drawn in the sand.  Over at Susan’s house, she talks to Julie about the whole party thing.  She’s going to let Julie go (BOO!) as long as she doesn’t tell Mike that Susan changed her mind.  Of course, this will NOT help the stepfather/daughter relations anyhow.  Way to undermine there, Susan.  Bree drops in on Catherine, to bring her a housewarming gift.  It’s a recipe for mincemeat pie.  She asks for the lemon meringue recipe in return and Catherine tells her she doesn’t share that particular one.  Nasty!  Bree insists that Catherine is trying to get off on the right foot with her.  Catherine out-smiles Bree in this round, and you can see Bree rapidly unwinding before our very eyes.

Susan has a big surprise for Mike.  What is it?  Lingerie!  And big boobs.  He’s impressed.  They’re getting it on when Mike brings up Julie and the party.  Uh, timing?  Maybe Mike IS stupid.  Mike mentions driving by that very night and seeing the party was downright out of control.  Susan is of course very upset by this news and offers to run out and get whipped cream.  She grabs a coat and off she goes.  Yeah, he’s definitely stupid.  Carlos presents Edie with a birthday cake and she gives him a card.  It says YES!  The question?  “Will you marry me, Carlos Solis?”  It’s affordable, after all.  She’s doing this for him.  She couldn’t testify against him if she was his wife.  TOTALLY blackmailing him.  So, he says yes.  Or rather, “Fine”.  Dude, you got yourself in DEEP here.  Over at the raging party, Dillon and Julie are talking about this mysterious dad thing.  Susan drops by at that very minute.  And guess what, the birthday boy thinks she’s the hired stripper.  LOL!  Susan finds Julie toute suite and demands to take her home.  She takes Dillon with her while she’s at it.   Julie all indignant about it, as most teenagers are about such things.  Besides, she was drinking orange soda, not beer!  Ugh.  Teenagers.

They get home and Julie is all in a snit.  She’s confused.  Of course she is because consistency is a foreign word to Susan.  You can’t blame Julie too much.  She wants Susan just to make a decision and stick to it.  She promises to be honest from now on.  Except for explaining to Mike where she picked Julie up from.  Mike, of course, calls her on it because apparently he’s not THAT stupid.  So then Julie and Mike bond over shared indignance over Susan’s lies.  Oh HA! She tries to explain to Mike why she’s been so wishy washy.  And he’s pretty understanding.  And he tells her in no uncertain terms that the new baby is going to be a different matter, because he’ll DEFINITELY get a say with that one. Over at the hospital, Gaby is being a poor chemo buddy.  Apparently, not so good at distracting Lynette.  She’s definitely distracted by the surroundings.  Lynette tries to instigate gossip while Gaby keeps trying to come up with reasons to leave the room.  Lynette is obviously hurt by this.  She wonders if Gaby cares at all.  She tells her to go ahead and go.  Gaby looks about ready to and then she shares the story of her father.  He had cancer too, apparently.  It’s a pretty sad story.  And kinda explains why Gaby has a really hard time in the hospital and around cancer in general.  Aww.  Okay, Gaby is redeemed.  At least on the chemo buddy thing.

Dillon looks through a neat little scrapbook her mother made for her and notices a distinct “cutting out” of her father in a picture.  And Bree is determined to find out Catherine’s secret recipe.  Unable to find it herself, she was going to just use her key (cuz of course she has a key to everyone’s house), and let herself in and steal the darned thing.  Something tells me Catherine will have thought of this.  And… she has.  There’s a padlock on the recipe box.  So she visits Mike really quickly.  And borrows some bolt cutters.  LOL!  Dillon is confronting her mother about her father as they come home and while Bree is in the act.  She hides and listens in on the argument.   Catherine rewards Dillon’s curiosity with a slap.  Husband #2 is a bit on the disapproving side.  Bree leaves, sans recipe but armed with her illicit knowledge.  She runs home and tells Orson.  Like any good wife.  Carlos drinks a beer at the local establishment and commiserates his troubles to… a hitman.  HA!  There’s a chemo party going on at the hospital, organized by Gaby herself.  Everyone gathers together for a group picture and even looks somewhat happy together.  Sort of.  You know how it is.